It's a trap, I tell you!
by Darmed
Summary: A series of conversations between Lavi and Allen. For Laven week. ..I thought the title pretty much spelled it all out :'D Finished.
1. Culture

**Day One.**

**_Culture._**

"Man, I fucking love Britain!"

"So I've noticed. We have to continue our mission though."

"But we haven't been in that huge Ferris wheel yet!"

"We really don't have time for that! The London Eye goes about two kilometres a day!"

"Pff. You're overreacting."

"You can walk in an out of it while it's spinning."

"Still overreacting."

"It takes ten minutes before you've finally reached the height of a ten year-old."

"Okay, that might be a _bit_ slow.."

"Besides, you've already spent our food money on souvenirs!"

"Pff. Who needs food anyway? Besides, we can eat at the hotel."

"Yes, until they find out A.J. Schnitzel is actually a fat German guy with an unfortunate last name and too large back pockets! Something that _you,_ obviously, are not, no matter how many times you claim to be one/forty-seventh German!"

"You have to admit I totally had that girl whipped when I used my awesome 'fat German dude' impersonation."

"All you did was use an accent!"

"Allen, my boy, you are too naïve. I_ was_ the German dude at that moment. And they believed us, didn't they?"

"Well, yes. Though I have to admit they were pretty bloody stupid for believing I was your son and that you had miraculously lost sixty kilos – and forty years, - grew red hair and lost an eye."

"True. But we had a nice day, right?"

"We went to the Imperial War museum."

"Yeah! That was so awesome!"

"We got kicked out because you felt the need to break into a tank and throw brownies at kids, yelling 'Run! It's the Germans!'"

"Ah, yeah. Good times."

"Sure, I like being hit by electricity, but don't you think it's a bit strange that you, being a German guy – as believe by English authorities, - mocks his own internationality?"

"They'll never know."

"Sure they won't."

"But don't you think it'll be a pretty damn good idea to-"

"Bloody Hell, Lavi! _No_, it would _not _be very practical for us to go skinny dipping in the Thames!"

"How did you know_ that_?"

"Lavi, I've known you for a few years."

"So?"

"...It was a wild guess."

"Too bad though. That would've been fun."

"Might have been, though you still have all those scones sloshing around in your stomach."

"Yeah... those things did _not _go well with ketchup..."

"...And when were you planning to lose that '_awesome_' top hat?"

"Oh, never! I'll keep it with me forever! It's so soft, and it has the national flag and everything!"

"Even the _Asian_ tourists didn't buy one of those!"

"Well, they were too young to understand how _ace _this hat is! It's almost made of testosterone!"

"That must be why those girls are looking at you right now."

"Ooh! Where?"

"Not because you look demented; no, they think you're foxy."

"It sounds so much better when you say it!"

"Because of the poorly hidden sarcasm?"

"No, because you're British!"

"Should've seen that coming."

"Pretty much."

"Oh well, onto the mission then!"

"Wait! I've only seen so little!"

"Not my problem. You can always return to London, you know?"

"True, but wouldn't it be so much easier to see everything _now_?"

"Perhaps. I prioritize the mission, though."

"But there hasn't been any akuma yet, right?"

"True."

"So, then we have nothing to worry about, right?"

"Not exactly, but-"

"So then we can calmly take off all our clothes – except for our sexy manpanties – and dive, right?"

"What? No!"

"Sure we can!"

"Mission, Lavi! _Mission_!"

"But-"

"No, I will not help you break into the House of Parliament to check if people wear wigs."

"Oh, then-"

"No, I will not go with you to Westminster Abbey to laugh at dead people."

"This is starting to get really scary."

"Naturally. Now, let's start with the mission, shall we?"

"Sure thing, sweetums."

"Will we be able to take the train?"

"You know what would be really fun?"

"...No. Do you prefer the underground?"

"Walking!"

"...I prefer the train, though."

"But when we're walking, we can totally check out the surroundings!"

"...We don't have any money, do we?"

"Nope."

"At _all_?"

"Nope. AJ's money's gone too."

"This time it's neither mine, nor my appetite's fault."

"I blame it on the nay-sayers."

"Do I want to know?"

"Europeans."

"You do know we don't actually say 'nay', do you?"

"Of course, Brit, my dear. I was talking about the Western countries, where people actually do."

"Do they?"

"Yah."

"What?"

"It's the opposite of 'nay'."

"Mission. Walk. Western languages. Got it?"

"In that order?"

"Correction: Walk. Mission. That's it. No talk about Western languages."

"Sure thing, sugar. What should we talk about then?"

"How about _not_?"

"Not _what_?"

"Talking."

"But then that would be all _quiet_!"

"My point exactly."

"But then- Hey, wait! I wasn't done talking!"

"I thought we agreed about the quiet thing."

"Alleeeeen!"

--+

_Wait. Where did all the culture go? o.o_

_I actually went skinny dipping in the Thames once._

_It was bloody cold. We got arrested. ^^"_


	2. New Day

**Day Two.**

**_New Day._**

"_It's a beautiful daaaaaaay._..!"

_Lack of singing talent._

"Wah!"

"Morning, sunshine!"

"I don't want to know how we got here."

"No, you don't."

"Actually, I do."

"But you just said-"

"Lies."

"Well, I did _not _drag you here after I was mugged and sick of sleeping outdoors."

"Of course you didn't."

"Nope, but I was planning on getting us some breakfast. Anything edible, right?"

"I am _not that_- Never mind. Sure."

"_It's a beatiful daaaaaaay_~"

"Lavi."

"_The suuuuun in shining_~"

"Lavi!"

"_I feeeeeeel good_~"

"Oh dear God no-"

"_And noooooobody's gonna stop me nooow!_"

"Are you done?"

"Nope, but I'll gladly continue outside of this room if my voice of ultimate sexy is not wanted here."

"Please do."

"Aw, don't be so co-"

_Slam._

"Thank Go-"

"_Oooh yeaaaaaah..._"

"Go get the food already!"

--+

" How did you pay for this anyway?"

"Oh, I looked into the bank account of some… Alex Turner?"

"Oh God."

"What?"

"I am guessing Alex had a lot of money in his bank account."

"Yeah! Geez, Al, are you psychic or something?"

"No, I'm just thinking _celebrities_ might have their fair share of money."

"…Oh crap."

"Pretty much so."

"Do you think it's illegal to hack the bank accounts of famous people?"

"I thought hacking bank account was illegal no matter who it belonged to."

"They'll never find out."

"Sure they won't. I'm eating."

"Well, then… I'm eating too!"

--+

"Lavi."

"Hmm?"

"Was I not hearing things when Komui told us the innocence was located in Dover?"

"You weren't. Or we both were. But that would be creepy."

"Then… could it be we are too late?"

"Don't think so. If there was an attack, we would have heard of it, right?"

"Right. So then… why have we sought all day, skipping lunch while doing so, and have not even found the smallest lead?"

"I blame Alex Turner."

"I blame you."

"Aw, don't be mad, Al. It's not entirely your fault."

"What?! I wasn't implying anything of sorts!"

"Oh well, it's okay then."

"Where could we possibly search? Is there any place left we did not go to yet?"

"I don't know. I've never been here before."

"And you're supposed to be the next Bookman?"

"Come on, Allen. It's no use blaming yourself."

"What? I-"

"_I want to play with neeedleeessss_ …"

"…Right. Good luck with that. I'll be searching now, so you can have some quality time with you and your-"

"_Neeeedleeessss_…"

"Exactly."

"_What is love? Baby don't huuuuurt meeeee_~"

"Yeah, I think I'll leave now."

"_Good thing, where have you go-one_?"

--+

"Oh, come on! Don't be so cold…"

"…"

"Alleeeeen!"

"Would you be quiet? I'm thinking."

"What're you thinking of?"

"You."

"Really?"

"No."

"Well, _I_ was thinking of _you._"

"Do I want to know what objects are involved in those thoughts?"

"I don't think you do. Some of them look really painful."

"I… Never mind. We should go get something to eat."

"Why?"

"Because I think we're both being a bit delusional."

--+

"Well, that was the money Alex Turner made with his last studio album."

"And this time we _can_ blame your appetite!"

"Entirely, since you didn't even touch _your_ food."

"I like those illusions."

"Pervert."

"Heh."

"We're still rather clueless about the innocence, though."

"Maybe Komui was wrong?"

"About the location?"

"Maybe. It could also be a false alarm."

"Or a trap."

"Never thought you could be such a pessimist, Al."

"You were the one saying everything might be useless!"

"True, but this town is small, and ridiculously crowded! We would've noticed if something was off!"

"I think so… Maybe we should call Komui."

"You go search for a random British payphone. But I think we should still keep our guards up at all times."  
--+

…_Dover is so pretty, but it's crowded because of its famous cliffs and harbour :3_

_Alex Turner is the singer/guitarist of my favorite band, the Arctic Monkeys. My force commands you to listen to some of their songs. Random request: don't pay attention the OOC :'D_


	3. Ocean

**Day three.**

**_Ocean._**

"'Keep your guard up'. That's what you said, right? Right. Keeping you guard up does _not_ mean blowing up the ferry – our only form of transportation – because you claim that old man was conspiring against us. I mean, all he did was ask for tea!"

"That's suspicious!"

"I drink tea too! Does that make _me_ suspicious?"

"Well, you don't look ninety-five years old!"

"You're not winning this, Lavi. And even though I really like drifting on a shabby piece of wood in the North Sea, I'd love to get to land quickly."

"Well, you called Komui, right? He'll get worried eventually."

"I didn't."

"What? Why?!"

"You blew up the phone booth."

"Oh yeah. Suspicious bastard."

"Which is pretty much why we're going to be stuck here until Komui decides to call _us_ and we don't pick up."

"You should be happy; if that phone would've gone all kamikaze in your face, it wouldn't have been pretty."

"Oh, I am _very_ happy. I would be even more happy, though, if you could miraculously get us out of here."

"No can do. I saved your _life_, Brit. I don't have enough stamina left to get us off this thing.

"All you did was place explosives."

"I also yelled 'Allen! Run!'"

"Before you pressed the ignition button and counted to two."

"_Very_ tiring activity, by the way."

"I lost my eyebrows."

"You should've ran away when I told you to."

"You should have been more specific and perhaps waited a _little _longer with the explosion."

"And put you in even more danger?"

"Before or after you nearly blew my_ arse_ off? I will huff in disagreement now."

"Go right ahead, but we both know I saved your life."

"Please do it again. Like, right _now_."

"No can do."

"Why?"

"Previously mentioned reasons. And besides, we're on open water."

"Oh. Right,"

"..."

"Lavi?"

"Hmm?"

"Could you... sing me a song?"

"What was that?"

"I asked if you would like to... sing me a song."

"I can't hear you if you barely open your mouth."

"I-... Never mind."

"No, wait! I would gladly sing a song for you!"

"You bastard."

"_Don't move, don't speak, even whispeeer..._"

"You know what? Don't bother."

"Oh no, I'd love to!"

"Then sing something different. While I finally recognise your singing abilities, at least."

"_You! I wanna take you to a gay bar!_"

"You're going to tip the 'raft' over."

"With my awesome vocal chord power?

"No, with your fat ass."

"Well, _you _actually ate those stone brownies at the museum. _I _cleverly got rid of them."

"You gave a kid a concussion."

"And apologized."

"Not the point"

"Totally the point."

"You win, I lose. Reluctantly."

"Yay."

"What day is it?"

"The eighth."

"So this is our third day in England."

"I wanted to be back tomorrow. This sucks."

"Why the sudden depression? I'm sure we won't have to be on this ocean all week. If we pedal, we might even reach the cost before nightfall."

"You think?"

"Sure. Then we won't have to celebrate your birthday in the middle of nowhere."

"You remembered?"

"Of course! I told you, I've known you for a while."

"D'aw. You deserve a song!"

"Oh God no. Please do-"

"_Please, let me introduce myself_-"

"Maybe we should pedal instead of singing. You know, so we can use a phone that is _not_ a 'spying bastard' and be home by tomorrow? Though I appreciate the gesture..."

"_I'll be your sugar daddy, I'll be your diamond rings._.."

"You are not listening, are you?"

--+

"_I'll get you higher baby, if you wanna go that far._.."

"Was that the end? It sounded like the end."

"It was the end."

"Wooh! _Great _singing, Lavi!"

"I will now bow and smirk proudly."

"So you did. Now quickly pedal."

"Even though there was badly hidden sarcasm in that compliment, I'll ignore it and stay confident of my singing abilities, since my character wants it so."

"And you should. Now get your feet in the water."

"Brit, baby, would it be smart to do that?"

"Why ever not?"

"Well, aren't there sharks in there?"

"Well, yes, but only really small ones. The kind that don't eat humans no matter how much you bug them."

"Not even if you stab their noses or stomp on their tails for fun?"

"...Nope."

"Well, how do you know? Did you ever try it?"

"No, Lavi, but those sharks have never eaten any human before. They're simply too small."

"Oh, well. I guess I'll go with that then."

"Some future Bookman you are."

"Allen, Al, Brit, my boy, I record history."

"That explains the Bret Michaels."

"He's not that old."

"In this century, he is."

"Oh, right. Twenty-first century. Got it."

"Yes. The end of the Nineteenth century was a while ago, and we aren't in there anymore."

"You've been fifteen for more than a hundred years now, though."

"And you've always been older than me."

"That's not totally weird though."

"But even though it's your birthday tomorrow, and our appearances change, I'll always be fifteen and you'll always be eighteen."

"Why are we being so philosophic right now? It's totally misplaced. We're on a piece of floating wood."

"You're right, Lavi. Let's stop now. We have a long way to go."

"True."

--+

"_She bangs the druuuuums... Hey, have you seen her, have you heard-_"

"At least _pretend _to pedal. This is just sad."

"And tire out my sexy feet?"

"At least stop being dead weight."

"I'm not. I'm singing for you, aren't I? Dead people don't do that. I think."

"Well, I'd really appreciate it if you-"

"Ooh! LOOK! Land!"

"What?"

"Look! There! Land!"

"It's dark. I can barely see it... Though that does not look like England.."

"Don't care! Land!"

"Since you seem unable to form coherent sentences, I'll try to find out where we are when we get there."

"Sun's gone."

"Yes, it has left us quite a while ago. You know what will bring it back? Pedaling!"

_Splash._

"Good boy, Lavi. We'll be there in no time.

--+

_I was listening to my Ipod while writing this. Explaining the random lyrics :'D_

_The Eagles of Death Metal fucking rule._


	4. Connection

**Day Four.**

**Connection.**

"Aw, come on Allen. It's not that bad."

"Yes it is."

"You couldn't have known."

"I could have. It's the eighteenth time in three days."

"Well, yes. It's your entire fault, actually. Jeez, here I was, sparing your feelings."

"Thank you, Lavi. You're such great help; especially in these kinds of helpless situations."

"Ah, there you go again."

"What? Did I use sarcasm again? Because I was actually fully aware of doing that, like_, all the time_."

"No, you've been so cranky these last few days!"

"I wonder whose fault that is."

"Me too! But hey, we could always find another phone booth."

"I wonder how many phone booths France has. You know, since you blew up seventeen of them already."

"They were totally eyeballing you!"

"I blame myself."

"Yes, you should have known. I'm very protective of you for yet unknown reasons."

"Yes you are."

"Besides, you know the French don't like British people!"

"Eighteenth century, Lavi."

"Oh. Right. Well, I think they're still holding a grudge for it. I mean, they lost India that day! That's a pretty big deal. It could last for generations!"

"I don't even _look_ British."

"But you… you… you smell British!" _Hah! Smart move, Lavi. Smart move._

"Are you saying I _stink?_"

"Yes. No! I meant no!" _Not so smart move, Lavi. _

"I will now pretend to ignore you, while I do actually listen to what you say."

"How does that work?"

"Ignore beams activate."

"Aw, come on-"

"Is every payphone a spy, in your book?"

"No, but you can never be too cautious."

"Sure you can."

"Never. But you can thank me later."

"If this is about saving my life again, then I will seri-"

"No, no. You know that already."

"Then what?"

"I know someone."

"I am considering hitting you right now, so please explain."

"I know someone around this area. He can probably get us out of here."

"…You forced upon me a confidence crisis, made me agree with you, made me think all was my fault while it was clearly yours… and you choose this moment to say you could've gotten us out of here somewhere in between us going ashore and you blowing up the first payphone?"

"Yep!"

"Oh, okay then."

"What? You don't want details?"

"No, Lavi. This time, I'll stay out of it. You got us into this, you get us out of it."

"But Allen, I don't know how to-"

"What? Communicate with normal people? Read maps? Street signs? Read _at all_? Walk on your own? _Be quiet_?"

"-speak French."

"…Then how did you meet that guy anyway?"

"I bumped into him-"

"You were in a hurry and didn't look where you were going, so you crashed into random people."

"…What you said. I said some random words and made him laugh."

"What did you say?"

"I have no clue."

"…And he can get us out of here… how?"

"Well, he owns this company that-"

"No. You- Never mind. I don't want to know."

"Are you _suuuuuure_?"

"Yes. Absolutely. I don't want to be dragged into this."

"Then you should look for a payphone that is _not _a bastard spy."

"How can I see if it's a spy or not?"

"It's a feeling. If you think the damn asshole is eyeing you with a look that says 'I will either attack and horribly disfigure you, or rape you until your insides are your outsides', then it's not a spy."

"…Meaning I should ignore it?"

"No, meaning you should get the fuck out of there. Murderers and rapists are never good people. Jeez, Allen! I knew you were naïve, but this is just sad."

"Sorry, being naïve fits my character."

"It's okay. Now you know what to look out for, you should be safe."

"Yes. Thank you for that."

"You're welcome."

...

"Lavi?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you following me?"

"Because I… Ehr… Well, you see… That person I was talking about… Well, you see…"

"You don't trust me at all, do you?"

"Oh, I do! It's just that I love you too much to be apart from you."

"Lavi."

"I don't trust you. At all."

"Glad you're so honest."

"Really?"

"No. White lies are better."

"Aw man."

"..."

"You're pissed at me, aren't you?"

"..."

"I did it because I care! I want you to be with me-"

"Did that phone booth just blink?"

"-forever, because I lo- Wait, what?"

"I... thought that phone booth just... never mind. Now, what were you saying?"

"I... never mind. Ooh! Erwan!"

"Who is Erwan? Is it that shady-looking guy with the spectacles and the stubbles?"

"Yep! That's him!"

"Oh, then that's totally fine."

"Ah! Bonjour, mon ami!"

"Well, Allen! What's he saying?"

"I... Je... Je ne suis pas Britannique!"

"Wait! Allen? What did you say? Hey! Don't run! Wait for me!"

--+

_The French is really, really simple to figure out. But, because I love you guys: "Hello, my friend!" "I... I... I'm not British!"_

_So. There you go. This is for you Erwan, for being the most awesome French dude I know. B)_

_Haha! See what I did there? Connection -- Person! See? HAH!_


	5. Birthday

**Day Five.**

**Birthday.**

"There was no need for you to run away, you know?"

"I didn't run away. Where did you get _that_ idea?"

"Maybe the fact that you screamed and ran in an opposite direction tipped me off?"

"...I didn't run away."

"Of course you didn't."

"I'm not afraid of French guys."

"I know for a fact that Erwan does not look like a girl."

"Or French girls. I'm not afraid of French people in general."

"Of course you aren't."

"Did you just steal my sarcasm? Because I _will _hit you for that."

"No, I just borrowed it for a while."

"Imagine my hands against your face in a violent gesture."

"...You'll never get it back!"

"Wait! Lavi!"

--+

"I'm sorry I hit you."

"I'm sorry I called you a pansy."

"I didn't actually mean to hit you."

"Yes, that was really mean and uncharacteristic of you."

"You're not taking back the pansy-thing, are you?"

"Nope, I actually meant that."

"Well, I will not get angry at that, since my character seems to only mind being called a 'Moyashi', or 'Short Stack', in the poorly translated dubs."

"I could also easily call you gay, since you don't seem to mind sleeping with me, Kanda, Tyki, Cross, Komui, Link or any other male in our world."

"Eighteenth century, you masochist."

"Buuuuuurn."

"It's true!"

"Enough hints towards fangirl pairings! It's my birthday!"

"It is?"

"Yes. You've ran all day."

"Really? It feels like a couple of-"

"No. A whole day. We are now in Belgium."

"No more French guys? Or girls? Or French people in General?"

"Nope. Just French-speaking Belgians."

"Oh, well. It's your birthday now, and since it's entirely my fault that we aren't back at the order yet, it lies in my sweet, loving character to want to make up for it."

"I want to go back to France."

"Aw, man."

"Hush, Allen. You go feel guilty."

"I am. Do we have to walk?"

"Or I could hack another bank account."

"You go do that, I will go feel guilty."

--+

_One train ride generously paid for by some... Mick Jagger later~ _

"Woah. This guy also had a lot of money."

"I'm not saying anything."

"You shouldn't. You're feeling guilty."

"So I am. What did you want to do in France?"

"Climb the Eiffel Tower."

"What?"

"Climb the-"

"I heard you."

"We'll need equipment."

"There are stairs inside. You know that, right?"

"Oh Al, that would be the easy way."

"Isn't climbing it from the outside illegal?"

"Ah, what do they know? It was the nineteenth century."

"Okay. Can't question that. One question though. Why?"

"It's my birthright."

"That is some rock-hard logic, Lavi. I can't even begin to defy that."

"I'd like to see you try."

"You, nor your family is French."

"Ouch, Allen. Sizzle."

"I know. That was pretty sterile logic."

"But it won't stop me from climbing the fuckin' _Eiffel Tower_!"

"_The original fiiiiire~_"

"What? Allen? What are you doing! You're messing up the blatant characteristics!"

"You would never say blatant though."

"You started it."

"Oh, right. Climbing equipment it is. Do you still have the Mick Jagger-money?"

"_Like a Rolling Stone_..."

"Where did that come from?"

"I have no idea."

--+

"Ehehe..."

"Yes, I guess that could be considered pretty funny."

"Did you see that?"

"I saw it."

"Stupid brainless bird, hitting the Eiffel Tower..."

"Birds never had really large brains, Lavi."

"Or eyes! How could it overlook that thing?"

"I... don't know, actually. Was that rhetorical?"

"Climb, Al! We're almost at the top!"

"Your brain is like a goldfish's."

"What? That's not really nice. I don't have gills."

"I meant that your memory is really short. Once you swim towards the other side of the bowl, you don't even remember being on the one side."

"I... don't swim in bowls."

"It was an example, Lavi."

"Yeah, yeah. Climb!"

"Right, right."

"Faster!"

"You have it easy down there. I actually have to carry all the equipment, _and_ you!"

"The rope is carrying me."

"I'm carrying the rope!"

"Weren't you feeling guilty?"

"I was, but-"

"Then climb, slave!"

"..."

"What was that?"

"Nothing. I would never dare defy you, master."

--+

"Did you bring the brownies?"

"Yes, Lavi."

"Are you sure?"

"_Yes_, Lavi. How could I not notice? Those things weigh a ton!"

"You had other things on you that also weighed a ton."

"These things were heavier than you!"

"...You _do_ have more than one, right?"

"I got a bag full."

"Hooray! Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

"I think I don't want to know what you're going to do with those."

"Just give me the brownies, please."

"Okay, sure. As long as you don't th- Okay, you threw them."

"Hah! Eat that, suckers!"

"I can't believe you just did that."

"Hah! Look at all those dots, running for their lives..."

"WARNING."

"Lavi?"

"Ehehe.. Uhum. Yes?"

"What's that robot doing here?"

"WARNING. DEFIED LOGIC."

"Maybe he's defying logic?"

"Maybe. He _is _floating in mid-air, after all."

"WARNING. UNCHARACTERISTIC RESPONSE."

"Lavi?"

"Yes?"

"What is that red light on your forehead?"

"What red li-"

_Zap._

--+

"That's it! I'm telling Komui!"

"Wait! Allen! That's-"

"And I'm using _this _phone!"

"But Allen-"

"Hope you had a nice birthday, because we're leaving!"

"Allen-"

"I'm dialling!"

"Allen, don't!"

"Why the hell not?"

"Because that phone is-"

"Hello, shounen."

--+

_Le gasp! =o Who could it beeeeee?_

_For those of you who didn't get the Rolling Stone joke: shame on you._


	6. Caged

**Day Six.**

**Caged.**

"One question: how did we get up here again?"

"That was obviously all-"

"Your fault, right.""My fault? Why is it my fault?"

"Remember when you tried to smooth-talk us out? Right. Smooth, Lavi. Smooth."

"I only tried to help! Besides, it's you that he wants. I just accidentally came with the package!"

"Not true!"

"Yes it is! That noah guy totally has the hots for you."

"What? Naw."

"Yaw. He has been eyeballing you all week!"

"Naw."

"Yaw! I told you those phone booths were eyeballing you!"

"..."

"Right."

"You're right. I'm sorry."

"You should be!"

"For what, actually?"

"For being so undeniably sexy."

"I will _not_ respond to that."

"You don't have to. We all know I'm right."

"You and what army?"

"Everybody, including other guys and the creepy noah guy standing underneath our giant cage."

"Wha-"

"That is indeed very true."

"Creepy noah-man."

"Shounen."

"Sooo, I'm being ignored here?"

"Shut up, Lavi."

"Hey, I'm hanging too, you know?"

"He's not planning on raping you."

"Whatever could have possibly given you that idea?"

"Iew."

"Hey, look, dude? I wasn't planning on participating in_ any _gang rape between now and the end of November, so-"

"Lavi."

"Yeees?"

"You're in a cage."

"So?"

"You're not exactly in the position to argue about anything."

"Well, true, but-"

"Hey, he's gone."

"Who? Mister Creepy Noahman?"

"...Who else? _Me_?"

"Ignoring that statement."

"Fine. I will go try to escape now."

--+

"Man, I feel like some sort of parrot or something."

"Wow. How so?"

"Well, you see-"

"I know, Lavi. We're dangling in a cage, ten meters above a floor that seems anything /but/ comfortable."

"Right. Now all that's still missing are the scooby snacks."

"Those are for dogs, Lavi."

"What?"

"Scooby snacks aren't for parrots. They're doggy treats."

"..."

"What's with those tears?"

"I think I know why Polly died."

"And you're still wondering why Bookman didn't let you keep any more animals after him?"

"I am!"

"While you do that, I'll go get us out of here within now and ten minutes."

"...How were you planning on doing that?"

"Well, hey! Since I'm, like, ridiculously thin, and it lies in my character to be really smart and everything, I will climb out of this cage without any trouble, as unrealistic as it may be. That is totally possible."

"Sure it is. I will just stay here in this cage like an effing parrot and wait for you to take action, since I can't actually do something to help you."

"Right. And I am now climbing out of cage."

"So I see."

"Towards your cage."

"Yes you are."

"Past your cage-"

"No, wait! Allen!"

"Ignoring previous partner."

"Allen!"

"Will not stay behind to get raped by weird, creepy, shadowy, pedophilic noah-guy."

"But will you leave me, your best friend behind?"

"Yes, I would."

"I am giving you my puppy-dog look right now."

_You've got a friend in meeeeeee~ _

"Okay, fine. I'll be right there."

"Are you there yet?"

"Still climbing. This is pretty hard, you know."

"Are you there yet?"

"Damnit, Lavi! Those cages are three metres apart!"

"Not an excuse."

"Yes it is! No normal human being can jump that!"

"I bet ya I can."

"I'd like to see you try."

"I will, but I have to get out first."

"Fine. Here you go."

"..."

"Now, jump."

"Okay!"

"Wait, Lavi, not the waist- AH!"

"WOAH."

"..."

"I cannot believe you just took me on a ten-metre jump."

"I cannot believe you have that much power in your vocal chords."

"Neither can I."

"Your squeak just killed my eardrums right now."

"You're just jealous because your voice is all low and manly."

"Yes I am. I wish I never hit puberty."

"And you should have just escaped Bookman, hacked some other back accounts and bought a huge midlife-crisis Sports Car when you still could."

"Perhaps I should have. But now we're together, and that's all that matters."

"Yes. Now, we should probably quickly get out of here. Holding hands."

"Yes, I will hold your hand now. And we should get some horses."

"So we can ride off into sunset."

"Which we are doing right now."

"It's so pretty... and red..."

"Allen?"

"Yes?"

"I've been meaning to tell you something. For a long time."

"What is it, Lavi?"

"I wanted to tell you... that I love you, Allen."

"I... I love you too, Lavi."

"..."

NAW.

REWIND.

-quickly get out of here."

"Yes. I'll run off now. You follow."

--+

_After 29 hours of conversation with Ann, this is what came out. I... don't know._

_Seriously._


	7. The Day I Can Write Whatever I Want

**Day Seven.**

**The Day I Can Write Whatever the Hell I Want.**

"NO!"

"Honestly, Allen. Trust me."

"NO! Put me down!"

"I can't. You are miraculously stuck on my back."

"Do not want."

"Yes you do."

"Yes I do. I still do not like this."

"Yes you do. You love the French."

"I do. I love the French."

"And you will now make hot, steamy monkey-love to me."

"Yes I will."

--+

_~Several rounds of hot, steamy monkey-lovemaking later._

"Well, that was fun."

"Yes it was."

"Now we will go look for Erwan."

"No."

"What?"

"No."

"I thought you were, like-"

"No, I wasn't."

"So, what. You're... rebelling now?"

"Yes I am."

"Allen, come here."

"Only if we will not visit that shady hoboman."

"I promise."

"Okay!"

"Hehehe..."

"What was the evil, foreboding cackling for?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Okay then!"

--+

"What are all those flowers doing here?"

"Growing... and... standing... and..."

"Why are they staring at me?"

"They're not; you're just being paranoid."

"_You're_ calling _me_ paranoid?"

"I was not paranoid! There really was someone in all of those phone booths!"

"I was not implying anything of sorts."

"You sounded like you were implying something, though."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did! You used your 'I'm implying something'-voice."

"No I didn't."

"Oh, well. Okay then!"

"_It's the beeeeeeest daaaaaaaaaaaaay eveeeeeeeeeeer_!"

"No! Bad Spongebob! Back off!"

"...You didn't have to be that harsh about it."

"Yes I did. Spongebob is _always_ ready."

"Yes he is, but he's pouting."

"Do not care. Where are we going?"

"We are_ not_ going to France to see Erwan so he can help us get out of here."

"Oh, okay then!"

"Right. _Not_."

"I'm still wondering why the Eiffel Tower is there."

"That's not the Eiffel Tower. That is... a perfect replica."

"But... people are talking French."

"No they aren't."

"Yes they are. I heard that guy say his wife has a fat nose."

"No he didn't."

"Yes he did! He even said it was so fat it got in the way of their sweet, hot, passionate lovemaking!"

"No he didn't."

"Oh well, okay then. So... where _are_ we going?"

"Fairyland."

"Wait. What?"

"We're going to Fairyland."

"Is that even a legit country?"

"Yes it is."

"Okay then."

"You mean you never heard of Fairyland?"

"Never."

"Shame on you."

"Sorry."

"Not enough. Go sit in a corner and be ashamed. You shall never arise from the ashes of your shame."

"Yes master."

--+

_When Allen arose from the Ashes of his Shame~_

"You weren't supposed to do that!"

"Sorry."

"Don't mind that! We're here!"

"Where?"

"_Not_ at the house of Erwan."

"Okay then!"

"Hey, _not _Erwan."

"Bonjour!"

"He looks like Erwan though..."

"But he's _not_."

"Okay. Because that's what you said."

"Yes it is. Yo, _not _Erwan. Do you have a free rocket somewhere?"

"What?"

"I wanted to tell you; _Not_ Erwan has a company that hires rockets for travelling."

"You... never mind. I'm not going into a rocket."

"Yes you are."

"Yes I am."

"Now, _not_ Erwan. Fusée."

"Fusée?"

"Fusée."

"Lavi."

"Yes?"

"Is that the only French word you know?"

"No."

"Then- Never mind."

"You come with me and not Erwan now."

"Okay then."

--+

"I do not like this."

"Aw, come on Allen. Rockets are fun."

"Why use a rocket? Why not the bus or train?"

"Because only rockets lead to Fairyland."

"Oh, right. We were going there."

"My cheeks are flapping."

"And yet you're managing to still look sexy."

"Wait. What?"

"Nothing. Save random love confessions for later please."

"On to Fairyland!"

"...Space looks so pretty.""

"You look so pretty."

"Wait. What?"

"Nothing. The stars are really bright."

"...Let's just be quiet until we get there."

"..."

"Lavi."

"Yes."

"Shut up."

"I'm not saying anything!"

"You're humming."

"I'm completely silent."

"You weren't!"

"But now I a-"

"Oh joy. We're here."

"There are so many unicorns in here..."

"That there are."

"We should just steal some random person's house and go live there."

"We should. How about that one? The one with the small, bald man."

"Sure! You go eat the random bald dude, I will go check out the place."

"Omnomnom."

"This place is nice. And spacious. Perfect for a large family, hint, hint."

"Oh, right. Lavi?"

"What?"

"Never mind. Let's go mark the bedroom as our own."

"How were you planning on doing that?"

"Kinky, hot, steamy, sweaty wallsex?"

"Eh, that might work."

--+

_Another several rounds of kinky, hot, steamy, sweaty wallsex later~_

"That was nice."

"That it was."

"Oh, right. Lavi?"

"Yes?"

"Get your giant, sexy, huge sausage into your pants, please. This is important."

"...Right."

"I wanted to tell you that..."

"What?"

"What I really needed to tell you was... that..."

"What is it, Allen?"

--+

THE END.

...

...

...

NAW.

"What is it, Allen?"

"I'm pregnant."

"Oh, okay then!"

--+

_That's the end. Seriously. Not kidding this time. Only one more theme will come, I believe, since.. Laven week is important enough to have 8 days. I will just have to make something up for the "Finishing" thing that I do not understand. Maybe it isn't even a theme! But I will write it anyways. Because I am enjoying this._

_LOL SAUSAGE._

_And.. In case you hadn't noticed, fusée is French for rocket. GAWD AI EM SO SMARD._


	8. Finishing

**Eighth day**

**Finishing**

"Hey Lavi!"

"Yes?"

"Would you kindly get the milk from the microwave?"

"No?"

"Pleaaaase?"

"No! I'm busy!"

"Doing what?"

"Reading nudy magazines."

"What?"

"Being a great parent."

"Oh, okay then! But could you give me milk?"

"But you already got a lot of that this morning! And last night. In bed. From my pe-"

"I will not give my babies the milk you magically produced from your reproductive organ."

"_Your_ babies?"

"Our babies. That totally came out wrong. Now don't give me that look, Lavi."

"I... I work my ass off to be able to feed all of your whore-ass children, and you-"

"Excuse me? Those are your whore-ass children. I was just accidentally in the same room."

"Right! That! What you said!"

"And you do not work your butt off, you randomly hacked some celebrity's bank account and we're living off the massive amount of magical Fairyland money that guy had!"

"You never even used your package!"

"No, _you_ used my package!"

"We are not using package in the way it's meant to be."

"No, Lavi. But you're uttering nonsense."

"You are now just going to take care of our eighteen babies, while I be a good daddy and sit on my ass reading nudy magazines invested with badly censored boobs."

"Wait. What?"

"I will stare at your sexy ass while you are feeding our love-children."

"Okay then!"

--+

"I'm sorry I hit you."

"I'm sorry I called you a flaming gay pants."

"That did not make any sense though."

"You throwing the coffeepot at my leg didn't either."

"No. You actually deserved that."

"For-"

"For staring at female boobies while you actually can have my handsome, flat, muscled, manly, shiny, under-aged, innocent, sexy, beautiful, wonderful, erotic, erection-inducing, hunky, gay, non-big breasted chest."

"You wear cup-A!"

"...Do not!"

"I had to buy them for you!"

"That was for during my pregnancy! I had really saggy breasts!"

"You do not have breasts!"

'You're just jealous because you don't have any."

"..."

"We had argument."

"Hmph."

"D'aw! I just can't stay mad at you!"

"I can."

"But... look at my cutesy, green-ish, sparkly, tearing, strawberry-scented, begging, beady-eyed, loving, caring, puppydog eye."

"You're forgiven."

"I knew it!"

"Wait. What?"

"I am so lucky to be forgiven by you, master. I love you."

"I love you too, Lavi."

"Are you up for another round of sweaty wallsex?"

"No! Dude, Lavi! We have bratlings!"

"So... no sex then?"

"Oh hell yes. You prepare the bath."

--+

"Allen."

"Yes?"

"Bom chicka waw waw."

"Wait. What?"

"Twenty-first century, Al, my love, my sweetheart, my cupcake, sugar, sweetums, honeybear, honeybunches, cutiepie."

"Oh, right."

"No, David, you do not suck mommy's nipple. Mommy does not have the correct body parts to make food come out of there."

"How did I manage to get eighteen children without a uterus anyway?"

"Magic. I totally want to suck on something else and try for some milk."

"Ooh, that was so dirty."

"I know."

"And the kids are listening."

"Eh, they won't understand anyway."

"Their eyes are widening."

"They are innocent and do not yet know what we are talking about."

"But... Jesse saw us earlier."

"...You mean in the bathtub?"

"No, after that."

"In the buggy?"

"No! Never mind. If you don't even remember our sweaty, passionate, amorous, ardent, aroused, concupiscent, desirous, erotic, heavy, hot, lascivious, libidinous, loving, lustful, prurient, romantic, sexy, steamy, stimulated, sultry, turned-on, wanton, wistful mansex, then I am now going to be mad at you."

"What? Of course I remember!"

"No you don't!"

"Yes I do!"

"Well, then when was it?"

"Ehr... it was that time in the swing?"

"I am sick of this!"

"Wait! Allen!"

"I am moving in with my parents!"

"...You don't have those."

"Yes I do!"

"No you do-"

"Twenty-first century, Lavi!"

"Oh, right- NO! Allen! Don't leave!"

"And have fun taking care of the kids."

"But how am I supposed to-"

"Half of them'd better be dead by the time I get home."

"Wait. What?"

"I meant... ehr... We're not getting any new kids."

"Well, then... maybe we should try wearing condoms."

"They never wear condoms in Yaoi anime."

"No, they don't, bu-"

"So then we don't either. I will leave you all alone in a nest full of young, screaming, whining, hair-pulling, mean, dangerously-flailing two year-olds."

"Wait, Allen-"

_Smash._

--+

"Honey! I'm back!"

"Hooray!"

"Did you take care of the babies?"

"No, not at all! They all died of hunger and illness."

"Hooray! I love you, Lavi."

"I love you too, Allen."

And they lived happily ever after.

--+

_...That was it. The end of the fanfic. I.. re-read it, and wondered what crack I had been smoking lately, until I remembered I do not do drugs and therefore am just sleep-deprived. Yes, Ann. Still all your fault. Still calling. :'D_


End file.
